sitting on the fence

 
I often find myself balanced between two extremes of the weight loss debate.

On the one hand there is the idea that we need to be more accepting of everyone regardless of shape or size.  I read articles that denounce the evils of portraying a picture perfect idea of reality to our children and I raise a fat fist in solidarity as I think to myself, "I'm sick of being vilified as dumb, gross, and lazy because of my weight."  I want Katelyn to grow up loving herself in spite of her body.

And then there is the theory that if only for the sake of our health we all need to eat healthier, cleaner, better, and less.  There is the part of me that takes pride in the way I look when I wear make up and jewelry and am having a particularly good hair day.  I don't think it's evil to want to look good.  This is accompanied by the part of me that wishes I weighed less so that I could feel better about myself both in looks and health.  I want Katelyn to grow up loving herself because of her body.

I am sitting atop a body image fence and depending on my mood, my mindset, or the opinion editorial I have just read I am pitching to one side or the other.

I'm starting to wonder if that's the best place to be though.  If birds can perch on telephone wires, why can't I sit on the fence?  I don't fully identify with either side and on top of the fence I can rise above the noise of everyone's loud opinions.  I can see clearly into the distance and think for myself.

The truth is I think there is truth hidden in the tents of both camps.  I try to peer in long enough to understand the opinions of others but not long enough to get lost in the paradox of it all.  Like a scientist, I can gather the data from everyone and everywhere and use it to construct my own personal reality.  These are the truths I believe.

1. My body is sacred.  It was created by a loving Heavenly Father and He does not make mistakes.  To ridicule one of His precious creations would be wrong and disrespectful.  However, I was given this body with the charge to be a steward and to care for it and treat it with respect.  Hating my body would never be right but allowing myself to destroy is also wrong.

2. I am more than my body.  I have a soul with the drive to feel and to live.  I have a heart beating with the love of my family, my world, and my life.  I have a brain sparking with the energy to learn and to understand and to grow.  I am a whole person inside of my body and my shape does not define me.

3. Moderation is a learned principle and one that I need to acquire.  It is a key to living that I need to cultivate and hone and it will follow me through the eternities.  If I have to learn moderation in work and in leisure and in everything else, why shouldn't I learn moderation in food?

4. I am always changing.  No one is static.  I will change for the better and I will change for the worse.  I will always be faltering, checking my premises, and correcting my course.  This is what life is.  It is meant to test us, teach us, and make us better but it is also meant to be enjoyed.  Sometimes I will be thin.  Sometimes I will be heavy.  Always I will need to find a way to observe and correct while maintaining a respect for myself in the process.

5. Negative energy is never a helpful thing.  Even though I have accepted the fact that I need to be healthy, I should never put myself down.  I would never angrily criticize Kate for stumbling over her clumsy little feet.  She is just learning to walk and falling down is part of the process.  Likewise, it is not acceptable for me to chastise myself for a skill I am only trying to learn.

There is truth in most of what you hear.  There is a lot of good out there but also a lot of bad.  When I was thin, I would have sided with the people who champion weight loss.  Up until a while ago, I would have identified with the opposite.  Now, I see the truth of it all.  I see my truth and that is true enough for me.

victimized

So last Tuesday I threw myself a big giant pity party because I was mad about everything.  Instead of using the glorious afternoon nap time to do something productive I decided to watch TV.  Because, really, what's a pity party without some daytime television?

I started to watch the Dr. Oz Show and I have to say, I used to really like Dr. Oz but I think his show is starting to run out of ideas.  There are only so many episodes where you can tell people to start eating Chia Pets before they stop watching.  Also, if you took every vitamin and supplement that Dr. Oz has ever recommended over the course of his program, you would be taking millions of pills a day.

Anyway, this particular episode was about toxic relationships.  They showed three different couples: a mother and her daughter, two best friends, and a husband and wife.  In each situation, one person was overweight and claiming that the relationship was toxic because her mother/friend/husband was doing things that prevented her from losing weight.

The daughter was complaining that her mother served unhealthy meal choices for dinner.  The best friend was claiming that her coworker was competitive when it came to weight loss and that she kept bringing candy to work.  The wife was married to a husband who loved to cook pasta and butter and she couldn't help but eat it.

To be fair, they had their reasons for complaining.  The mother was not only cooking unhealthy meals but was verbally abusing her daughter by spitefully criticizing her weight.  The coworker not only brought food into the office but also was setting up vicious traps.  She once took a picture of her "friend" eating cake and texted it to everyone they knew with the caption, "Look who's eating cake."  The husband claimed that "food is love" and admitted that it would hurt his feelings if his wife turned his cooking down.

I can understand where they're coming from.  I am married to a handsome, wonderful, amazing enabler.  Dave's idea of making me feel better after a bad day is to come home with a pint of Blue Bell ice cream or a king sized Almond Joy.  He knows that it makes me happy but he only sees the happiness in the short run.  He is a bit near sighted that way and doesn't see out into the future where the ice cream and candy has made me fat, miserable, and sad.  Sometimes enablers really mean well.  Almost always enablers really mean well.

I also grew up with a brother who was as thin as a rail and could eat anything he wanted.  One of his favorite foods is Pop-tarts which coincidentally happens to be one of my favorite foods.  I love Pop-tarts and they were always a temptation.  It wasn't fair though to insist that all Pop-tarts be removed from the home.

I would be lying if I said that there was no one who disliked me or wanted to see me fail miserably.  Anyone who has a shred of doubt when it comes to their self confidence usually hopes to see others fails.  Even the best of friends can become competitive and bullies almost always hate themselves.

The whole point of this episode was to prove to these people that their behavior was destructive and they needed to fix it for the sake of their loved ones.  The fat people were victimized.

Here is the problem with that though...

Victims of obesity never succeed.

I understand it though.  Take it from me, it stinks.  It's not fair that my brother can eat a mountain of mashed potatoes with a molten butter waterfall when I have to hold back at the dinner table.  It's a constant struggle being married to someone whose idea of love and support is showering me with ice cream and candy.

It's not easy, it's not fair, and it really, really stinks.  But it's reality and deflecting the blame is not going to change it.

Growing up I had the opposite.  I have a mother who vividly understands the painful reality of struggling with a weight problem.  She was empathetically supportive.  She bought healthy food of every variety.  She hid the Poptarts she bought for my brother.  She practically gave my sister and I carte blanche when it came to our diet requests.  She was a cheerleader when we succeeded and loved us when we failed.  She provided the most optimum environment for weight loss.

And you know what?

It never even helped.

Weight loss happens when something is sparked, snapped, or jumpstarted inside.  It comes purely from within and when whatever it is that jolts you into action happens, nothing can stop you or stand in your way.  It is a deeply personal thing and unfortunately, it can almost never be manufactured outside of yourself.

This means that no one can be a victim of obesity unless she grants permission.  When you have been licked by the flames of a rolling weight loss fire, an entire houseful of cupcakes and french fries can't derail your train of action.

You figure out a way to eat a healthy dinner even if your family is eating fried chicken from a bucket and corn syrup from a bottle.  Your friend loses all ability to sabotage you.  You find a kind and peaceful way to lovingly tell your husband to show his love for you in a nonfood option.

I didn't mean for that to sound as creepy as I think it just did.

The problem with becoming a victim is that you give up your will.  A victim has lost the ability to decide.  Victims don't act.  They are acted upon.  When you claim that someone else has responsibility over your actions, you lose the right to claim responsibility for yourself.  The choice to lose weight, work hard, be faster, stronger, nicer, smarter, kinder, better is yours and yours alone.

So respectfully Dr. Oz, you are wrong on this one.  You may know a lot about heart surgeries but I know a lot about weight struggles and if there is one thing I have learned, it is this...

No one can make me a victim but me.

judgy judy

There is, I think, a common misconception that people who are overweight are lazy or at least just too unmotivated to actually do something about their weight problem.  This is probably true sometimes but I think it's inaccurate a lot of the time.

I think we often tend to be highly critical, levying harsh judgements on others when we don't really have all of the facts straight.

That homeless guy begging on the street corner might just be choosing a long lonely day of idly hoping for charity.  But he might also have a serious untreated mental illness or a horrifying and brutally sad past.

The young mother letting her kids run wild in the grocery store could possibly be inattentive and careless.  But she might also have a very sick child at home on her mind or an unemployed husband.  Or she might just be tired.  Motherhood makes you very, very tired.

The jerk who cuts you off just to make it through that yellow light before it turns red (a scenario I refer to an "orange" light) is probably just a jerk who thinks he is above conventional traffic manners.  But he could also be a terrified husband frantically rushing his pregnant wife to the hospital before his offspring enters the world en route.  Or maybe he just forgot to check his blind spot and didn't see you there.  I've done that before.

The point is you never know why people are who they are or why they make the decisions they do.  You don't know why a fat person is fat.  I would go so far as to bet that most people who struggle with a weight problem aren't just lazy.  They are using food to medicate.

In my case, I have anxieties.  I worry all the time.  Sometimes I write essays about my anxiety just so that I can release some of the emotional pressure it causes.  Maybe someday I will post them but for now, I have subjected myself to enough terrifying exposure.

I have always worried.  When I was a child, I called them "Bad Memories" because the word "anxiety" wasn't yet in my vocabulary.  I worry about everything from the absurd (rabies) to the more realistic (unemployment, car accidents, SIDS).  If you can name it, I have probably worried about it.

Interestingly enough, binging on carbohydrates (processed and refined ones in particular - you know, donuts and the like) causes an increase in serotonin and dopamine which lead to a sense of well being and happiness.

(Don't believe me?  Ask Dr. Oz)

Well, what do you know?  I've been using food to self medicate.  I eat junk food and my brain says to eat more because it could really use a break from all the incessant worrying.  I am addicted to carbs which is why I'm doing a carbohydrate detox (but more on that later).

The point is, you really can't tell just by looking at a person why they are overweight.  Food is a drug for a lot of people and unfortunately it's not one that can just be abandoned completely.  I think we would all cut the fat people some slack and offer more support if we better understood some of the more complex issues involved.

And then there are times like this past weekend when I posted my weight and received an outpouring of nice words and respect and just kindness in general and I think to myself, "Maybe I'm the one judging all the thin people out there."

Is it me?  It's probably me.  Or a combination of the two maybe...

I think I just taught myself a lesson.

It just goes to show that prejudice and judgmental attitudes go both ways.  The reality is that everyone is really just doing their best: their best to lose weight, their best to be kind, their best to be a good parent, or maybe just their best to solve the crossword puzzle they've been working on.

So this week, I'm focusing on dropping all my preconceived notions about the people around me.  I'm going to see the light in them, the good that God put there and I'm going to stop assuming everyone is out to judge me.

But not before I enjoy the only cookies I am allowed to eat on my carbohydrate detox, compliments of chef Kate.