what have i done?

You know that dream where you realize that you have somehow wound up in some highly public venue only to discover that you are ostentatiously overdressed, embarrassingly underdressed, or worse...

...naked?

I think I have just volunteered myself for that situation in real life.

Don't worry.  I am not taking my clothes off.  Relax.  It's a metahpor.

In case you haven't noticed, I am heavy plump large overweight big-boned whatever.  You get the idea.  And I know it may not look like it, but I have been trying (and a lot of the time, failing) to watch my weight since the fifth grade.  Sometimes I am stunningly trim (not since college), sometimes I am only a bit overweight, and sometimes I am just straight up obese.  It's an uphill battle I will fight for the rest of my climb up the hill.

On New Year's Eve, after a year of numerous failed diets, I made the commitment to blog about my weight loss journey.  I would post my weight loss stats, the foods I ate, the exercise I did, and the emotions, frustrations, and successes that came along.  The blog would keep me honest while giving me an outlet for the myriad of feelings that accompany obesity.

But of course I would keep it private or at least never tell anyone about it.  I mean, come on, exposing a tender and vulnerable side of my soul for everyone I know to stare at like I'm some sort of side show freak?  Never.  That would be like taking a steaming hot acid shower over fresh raw skin that had just been sunburned.

What's that?  A private food journal to keep yourself accountable just isn't effective?  The secrecy defeats the purpose?

Yeah.  I figured that out.  Thanks.

So...  Here I am.  Terrified and exposed but desperate for health and wellness.  Scared out of my mind that my precious impressionable daughter will pick up my bad habits (although I'm not too worried about the knuckle cracking) and find herself in the same pit of obesity and exhaustion.  But also ready.  Really, really finally ready.

I'm not sure what you'll do with this information.  You can applaud me, you can judge me, you can hate on me, or you can shrug your shoulders in apathy.  I don't really care.  I'm doing this for her.