Friday, May 24, 2013

what have i done?

You know that dream where you realize that you have somehow wound up in some highly public venue only to discover that you are ostentatiously overdressed, embarrassingly underdressed, or worse...

...naked?

I think I have just volunteered myself for that situation in real life.

Don't worry.  I am not taking my clothes off.  Relax.  It's a metahpor.

In case you haven't noticed, I am heavy plump large overweight big-boned whatever.  You get the idea.  And I know it may not look like it, but I have been trying (and a lot of the time, failing) to watch my weight since the fifth grade.  Sometimes I am stunningly trim (not since college), sometimes I am only a bit overweight, and sometimes I am just straight up obese.  It's an uphill battle I will fight for the rest of my climb up the hill.

On New Year's Eve, after a year of numerous failed diets, I made the commitment to blog about my weight loss journey.  I would post my weight loss stats, the foods I ate, the exercise I did, and the emotions, frustrations, and successes that came along.  The blog would keep me honest while giving me an outlet for the myriad of feelings that accompany obesity.

But of course I would keep it private or at least never tell anyone about it.  I mean, come on, exposing a tender and vulnerable side of my soul for everyone I know to stare at like I'm some sort of side show freak?  Never.  That would be like taking a steaming hot acid shower over fresh raw skin that had just been sunburned.

What's that?  A private food journal to keep yourself accountable just isn't effective?  The secrecy defeats the purpose?

Yeah.  I figured that out.  Thanks.

So...  Here I am.  Terrified and exposed but desperate for health and wellness.  Scared out of my mind that my precious impressionable daughter will pick up my bad habits (although I'm not too worried about the knuckle cracking) and find herself in the same pit of obesity and exhaustion.  But also ready.  Really, really finally ready.

I'm not sure what you'll do with this information.  You can applaud me, you can judge me, you can hate on me, or you can shrug your shoulders in apathy.  I don't really care.  I'm doing this for her.

10 comments:

  1. And I applaud you my beautiful daughter. I am always so proud of you and all that you accomplish. You are an amazing woman and a wonderful mother. Go Team Megan!!

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  2. Good for you!! I recently watched several documentaries that are really educational about nutrition if you are interested. Forks over knives, hungry for change, fat sick and nearly dead, vegucated... just to name a few. Good luck, you can do this!

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    1. Thanks Tyrell! I'm grateful for your support! :)

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  4. Megan! I love you and your honesty, drive and ability to put into words what a lot of women are feeling. You can do it and maybe not to far in the near future you can change the title of your blog to....NOTHING tastes as good as THIN feels! (My personal favorite) :)

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  5. Megan, We love you! You're an amazing person and an amazing mom! We are behind you 100%!!!

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  6. As one who has struggled with weight issues all my life. I feel your pain. But I also am immensely proud of you and all you have accomplished in your life. You are an amazing woman and I know you will be successful. I will try to help you in any way I can. Love you.... grandma

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  7. Wow! So many people have liked this on Facebook and commented to show their support. I really appreciate all of the love and kindness from everyone. I'm lucky to have such great family and friend. Thank you.

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  8. It's super scary to put yourself out there Megan but I totally commend you. I can tell you are a talented writer and I'm sure you have many many other talents just from the time I knew you. I think it is wonderful and brave to do this for your daughter and you totally can do it. I think it's huge to remember that "doing it", your goal is to be healthy and I think it's so hard for all of us to not compare ourselves to others or always want to look that much better or different. I guess it's the whole joy in the journey concept. Just like you said, it's been a life long battle and you don't want to spend the rest of your life fighting yourself and not being happy with your appearance. So I guess also finding peace in your little milestones and accomplishments and your daughter will love to see that. As long as your healthy and happy, that's what she cares about. It's a mental and physical battle but never ever impossible. Happy and healthy thoughts your way, you're awesome :)

    Love Amy Weston :)

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  9. I'm excited to go on this journey with you through your blog! I am already dreading the impending diet post-baby and so this is so good for me to get motivated and hear your ideas!

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