victimized

So last Tuesday I threw myself a big giant pity party because I was mad about everything.  Instead of using the glorious afternoon nap time to do something productive I decided to watch TV.  Because, really, what's a pity party without some daytime television?

I started to watch the Dr. Oz Show and I have to say, I used to really like Dr. Oz but I think his show is starting to run out of ideas.  There are only so many episodes where you can tell people to start eating Chia Pets before they stop watching.  Also, if you took every vitamin and supplement that Dr. Oz has ever recommended over the course of his program, you would be taking millions of pills a day.

Anyway, this particular episode was about toxic relationships.  They showed three different couples: a mother and her daughter, two best friends, and a husband and wife.  In each situation, one person was overweight and claiming that the relationship was toxic because her mother/friend/husband was doing things that prevented her from losing weight.

The daughter was complaining that her mother served unhealthy meal choices for dinner.  The best friend was claiming that her coworker was competitive when it came to weight loss and that she kept bringing candy to work.  The wife was married to a husband who loved to cook pasta and butter and she couldn't help but eat it.

To be fair, they had their reasons for complaining.  The mother was not only cooking unhealthy meals but was verbally abusing her daughter by spitefully criticizing her weight.  The coworker not only brought food into the office but also was setting up vicious traps.  She once took a picture of her "friend" eating cake and texted it to everyone they knew with the caption, "Look who's eating cake."  The husband claimed that "food is love" and admitted that it would hurt his feelings if his wife turned his cooking down.

I can understand where they're coming from.  I am married to a handsome, wonderful, amazing enabler.  Dave's idea of making me feel better after a bad day is to come home with a pint of Blue Bell ice cream or a king sized Almond Joy.  He knows that it makes me happy but he only sees the happiness in the short run.  He is a bit near sighted that way and doesn't see out into the future where the ice cream and candy has made me fat, miserable, and sad.  Sometimes enablers really mean well.  Almost always enablers really mean well.

I also grew up with a brother who was as thin as a rail and could eat anything he wanted.  One of his favorite foods is Pop-tarts which coincidentally happens to be one of my favorite foods.  I love Pop-tarts and they were always a temptation.  It wasn't fair though to insist that all Pop-tarts be removed from the home.

I would be lying if I said that there was no one who disliked me or wanted to see me fail miserably.  Anyone who has a shred of doubt when it comes to their self confidence usually hopes to see others fails.  Even the best of friends can become competitive and bullies almost always hate themselves.

The whole point of this episode was to prove to these people that their behavior was destructive and they needed to fix it for the sake of their loved ones.  The fat people were victimized.

Here is the problem with that though...

Victims of obesity never succeed.

I understand it though.  Take it from me, it stinks.  It's not fair that my brother can eat a mountain of mashed potatoes with a molten butter waterfall when I have to hold back at the dinner table.  It's a constant struggle being married to someone whose idea of love and support is showering me with ice cream and candy.

It's not easy, it's not fair, and it really, really stinks.  But it's reality and deflecting the blame is not going to change it.

Growing up I had the opposite.  I have a mother who vividly understands the painful reality of struggling with a weight problem.  She was empathetically supportive.  She bought healthy food of every variety.  She hid the Poptarts she bought for my brother.  She practically gave my sister and I carte blanche when it came to our diet requests.  She was a cheerleader when we succeeded and loved us when we failed.  She provided the most optimum environment for weight loss.

And you know what?

It never even helped.

Weight loss happens when something is sparked, snapped, or jumpstarted inside.  It comes purely from within and when whatever it is that jolts you into action happens, nothing can stop you or stand in your way.  It is a deeply personal thing and unfortunately, it can almost never be manufactured outside of yourself.

This means that no one can be a victim of obesity unless she grants permission.  When you have been licked by the flames of a rolling weight loss fire, an entire houseful of cupcakes and french fries can't derail your train of action.

You figure out a way to eat a healthy dinner even if your family is eating fried chicken from a bucket and corn syrup from a bottle.  Your friend loses all ability to sabotage you.  You find a kind and peaceful way to lovingly tell your husband to show his love for you in a nonfood option.

I didn't mean for that to sound as creepy as I think it just did.

The problem with becoming a victim is that you give up your will.  A victim has lost the ability to decide.  Victims don't act.  They are acted upon.  When you claim that someone else has responsibility over your actions, you lose the right to claim responsibility for yourself.  The choice to lose weight, work hard, be faster, stronger, nicer, smarter, kinder, better is yours and yours alone.

So respectfully Dr. Oz, you are wrong on this one.  You may know a lot about heart surgeries but I know a lot about weight struggles and if there is one thing I have learned, it is this...

No one can make me a victim but me.