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I mentioned in a previous post that I occasionally write essays to cope with my anxieties.  Writing is therapeutic and it helps me think through my fears.  I alluded to maybe posting an essay or two in the future.  I tried to talk myself out of it by saying that my anxiety issues and my weight are unrelated.  This is a blog about weight loss, you know, and not anxiety.  But as much as I would like to try and deny it, the two are inseparably connected in a never-ending cycle of feeding and growth, both literally and figuratively.

I'm not one hundred percent sure what set this chain of fearful thinking off but apparently something happened to lead me to believe that becoming an Amish farmer's wife was preferable to the comfortable conveniences of modern life.  Obviously.

Enjoy.

That’s it.

I’m going to be a farmer.

We’re going to buy some land with the five dollars left in our bank account and set up a homestead and call it Robertson Ranch.

Let’s see...  What to grow?  One time I had a garden and I grew some tomatoes.  They were pretty good, I think.

What else?

I was singing Old McDonald to Katelyn in the car today.  E-I-E-I-O.  Old McRobertson had a pig, a cow, a horse, a duck, a donkey, goat, and a goose.  Oh yeah, and a lion.  McRobertson was having a hard time thinking of animals this afternoon.

It’ll be great.  There will be no one there but us so no one can do any harm to Dave or Kate or myself.  We won’t need to go anywhere.  We’ll fill up on tomatoes, milk, and lion meat so no need to drive to the store.  No driving means no car accidents.

It’ll be an organic farm so we won’t need to worry about pesticides or other toxins being ingested by my precious baby.  We’ll built a giant moat around our farm so I don’t need to worry about intruders or anyone breaking in.

I saw a video of this infant who fell into a pool but knew how to flip over and wait there until someone rescued him.  I’ll train Katelyn to do this in case she ever gets too close to the moat.  So...  No worries there.

We won’t have the internet because we’ll just live like pioneers so nothing bad or inappropriate will be viewed in our ranch.  No TV either which I think I’ll miss at first but then get used to as Dave and I find entertainment in things like dominoes and card games.  But definitely nothing with dice though because dice could be swallowed.  Come to think of it, I’ll make sure I buy gigantic dominoes that don’t pose a choking risk.

Speaking of things getting swallowed, nothing battery operated.  A battery scare has already landed us in the ER for five hours so I’m good on that type of adventure.  We’ll live like the Amish but with a lion.

Of course, owning a lion naturally raises some concern so we’ll have to keep him chained up or something.  Maybe I could train him like they do at the circus.  You know, with a chair and a whip.  We would be Robertson’s Ranch and Safari Side Show.  That’s how we’ll make our money.  But we already decided that we wouldn’t need to go to the store so we’ll barter with our patrons for things like deodorant and Diet Coke.

I will homeschool Katelyn at our ranch.  I am a professional teacher, remember.  That way I can teach her only about the things I want her to know.  She’ll learn about butterflies and happy thoughts.  She will never have to know about crime and sadness and evil.

Our farm will be great.  I mean, we might get kind of tired of watering the tomatoes and feeding the lion day in and day out but at least we’ll be safe and nothing bad will ever happen to us, right?

Right?