mad megan disease

This picture is old but it pretty much sums up how I feel about healthy food right about now.

I've hit that part of my diet where I constantly think to myself, "Am I still really doing this?"  It's like, "Okay.  I took the stairs instead of the elevator at the doctor's office the other day.  Am I thin yet?"

Does it count that it was taking the stairs down a level instead of up?

It's like this feeling of boredom and stale food.  The novelty of eating healthy has worn off and the weight loss has plateaued and it is just so freaking annoying.  I'm just sick of all the healthy food and although the concept of dieting is never fun, it has amazingly become even less fun (which I didn't even think was possible).

Maybe I am past the anxiety stage and on to the anger stage of dieting.  No wait.  I'll never get out of the anxiety stage.  But I am definitely angry.

I'm angry at my genes. (I'm angry at my jeans that lost a button too but that's a different topic altogether.) I'm irritated that other people can eat more than I can.  I'm annoyed that I have to even think about this when I see thin people eating cake and driving through McDonald's.

(Yes I am a little obsessed with cake.)

I'm annoyed that I want to lose weight.  No, it doesn't make sense.  Yes, it makes me sound crazy.  Sometimes I wish I could say, "Well, who cares?!?  I'm going to try to be as big as a house!"  I'm sure that there is some weird show on TLC that documents the journey of fat people who want to be fatter.  If I could just be at peace with my weight then I could get a film crew to pay me to eat cake.

Sometimes I'm actually angry at the food around me.  I'm mad that it even exists.  I'm irritated by the fact that there is bread in the pantry for Dave's lunches and popsicles in the freezer for Katelyn.  I'm angry that there is an entire aisle of potato chips in the grocery store and pictures of ice cream cones and french fries on the menu when I drive through to get a simple calorie free Diet Coke.

I'm also getting hacked off at the healthy food.  I was eating sugar snap peas today and I was thinking in anger towards the peas, "Who do you think you are acting like you are all better than the other foods because you are healthy?  You are stupid."  Seriously.  Sugar snap peas have no right to feel superior to other foods just because they are green and have nutrients because, you know what?  They are only okay and they have that nasty string that is hard to chew up and gets caught in your teeth and I really only like them with ranch anyway so they are just not as great as they think they are.

It's aggravating to me that exercise exists.  Even the word is really getting on my nerves.  It's one of those words that I always almost misspell.  Is it a z or an s?  Or maybe even an c?  It sounds like it should be exercize.  Why is it not?  Who made the decision?  I need to know because I am really upset with that person.  How am I supposed to teach Katelyn to spell if there was apparently no order or rules when people were making these words up?  How am I supposed to exercise if I struggle just to remember how to spell the word?

Don't even get me started about the Fourth of July.  Yeah, independence is great but how am I supposed to have fun if I'm not free to eat everything in sight?  Seriously.  Where is my liberty when it comes to hamburgers and potato salad?  I love potato salad.  It has carbs in it!  The only salad better than potato salad is pasta salad! (Unless there is some cake salad that I'm unaware of.)

If we really want to get deep here I'm mad that the choices I want to make will make me unhappy and sad and even more mad.  I'm mad that I'm mad!  I would like it if I could be happy that I am making happy choices.  Why can't I enjoy the fact that I'm in control?  Why am I so angry?

I'm just mad today.  It's not a big deal, really.  The anger is all a part of the process.  Soon my anger will shift from being aimed at my situation to myself and I will have to sort out those feelings.  But for tonight, I am just angry because I have to constantly make choices throughout the day that are irritating and make me feel deprived.

So watch out.  jk.  lol. :)